Sunday, August 9, 2009

RobRant Redux

Ok, while I'm not nearly as annoyed with Robert today as I was yesterday, I'm still not ready to crawl back into bed with him. Well...maybe if he asked sweetly...maybe...since the estrogen appears to be flowing today...MAYBE....if he's lucky...or HOT...

Anyway, there's a little bit more RobRant on the horizon...yep...I feel it a hurricane...or a snowstorm that makes the ankle I broke a decade ago ache like a betch. it comes....I shall address Robert directly, since I'm really ranting AT him as opposed to ABOUT him, as with yesterdays RobRant...

ROBERT!? I know you are not from this country. You are, however, a guest here. And as such you need to respect the rules, regardless of how things are done in your country of origin, how "uptight" you view we puritanical Americans, or how many millions you've earned at the box office! (I am I even thinking with that last statement? Pssh!) It was noted that you were spied swigging Heinies with the one-who's-name-we-no-longer-speak-of on this blog...that's right...the 18 year old. Now, while YOU may well be of legal drinking age in the Golden State (see...that's what California was known as before the Governator arrived and dubbed it Cal-Lee-For-Nee-Yah), your date for the evening was not. As such, you should be an adult, grow a pair, step up to the plate (baseball term) and say to the barkeep "Ahem, excuse me, Gov'ner, but this young lass is not of legal age. Perhaps a Diet Coke or a Shirley Temple would be a more appropriate libation" instead of corrupting a minor (even though I do believe the corrupting is being done in the opposite your hot little ass because the smaller the bitch, the bigger the bite, my dear)

And another thing, which has iced my cookies more than you can know: you're alleged driving prowess. You have been aaaallllll over everywhere whining about your inability to drive, your bad driving ability, your "joke" or "clown car". Yep, you have, so don't deny it. I have the Leno clip right here on the old blog to prove it (Oh stop whining!) Anyway, yesterday I viewed a pap clip last night (shut up...odds are you watch them too when you're bored) and there you were, driving a PORSCHE...with ONE HAND. Yep. Good old self effacing Rob Pattinson, who is such a terrible driver and not at all a car guy...who owns a joke car that's always broken but has a good soul...gone Hollywood and apparently lying about it. Why lie Robert? Hmm? Why claim to not be a good driver when you actually are? And we know you haven't really driven in like, 2 months, since you were in NYC and NO ONE drives in least not natives. Maybe it's only Mad Dogs and those pesky Englishmen who drive in NYC? And if that was the case...why were you always spotted in a taxi or walking?? Yeah, because you didn't drive for two months, dingleberry! (google it) But there you were, very self assuredly, gunning it and steering with one hand out into Los Angeles traffic like an old pro. I've been driving 30 years and I'm not sure even I could have done that in my nifty little SUV, let alone a Porsche (seriously...was it just me or did that sucker look like it was an automatic? Who the hell drives a Porsche that's an automatic? Fast foreign cars are supposed to be stick, not automatics!)

And, as long as I'm bitching at you, lemme ask another: Why is it you can dig deeply enough for a PORSCHE (and an ugly green one at that!) but not for a new pair of pants?

Oh, and one more thing...seriously, all this covert crap? Yeah, it's old. Old. O-L-D. You know you're shacking up, so pack a bag and both of you stay wherever it is your doing the deed. Don't frigging duck in and out, duck paparazzi where you KNOW they are going to be, then get all bent out of shape and pissed off because paparazzi were exactly where they always are and grit your teeth because you had to endure the onslaught to get to some clandestine meeting spot somewhere else after leaving the place you were trying to not be seen at in the first place.

Again, I say, Robert Pattinson, GROW. A. PAIR. You're 23, not 13. Suck it up and act like an adult!!

Whew...that felt even better than yesterdays RobRant! :D

I will give Robert points for one thing: Last night, at his pal Marcus Foster's show, he was lovely to a fan. She got a beautiful photo with him, and he gave her a huge smile. How classy you are when not under the influence, my muse....

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