Monday, August 17, 2009

RobRant!! RobRant!!

So, every time I post it, in my head I hear Wayne and Garth saying "RobRant!! RobRant!! Excellent!!! Patry On!!!"

I have no idea why...but it works...go ahead...try it.

Anyway, as you may have guessed, this will be yet another RobRant.

I don't know why it is, but as much as I love that kid, he sets off something inside me~other than the old hormones.

Perhaps I need to change the name of this blog from My Wckd Wckd Ways to RobRant: Because Sometimes Beauty Isn't Enough.

So, in this latest edition of the RobRant, I'm going to address young Mr. Pattinson directly. Because it's my blog and I said so. Truth be told, while he's the straw that stirs my drink, he's also been icing my cupcakes of late (sounds dirty, but it's not...unless he gets that icing all over himself and I'm forced to lick it off...but I digress...)

So, here we go:

Robert! Listen up here, buckaroo! I have some friendly words of advice for you...and maybe some not so friendly rantings in the RobRant portion of the evening. I suggest you read, comprehend and get that thoughtful, pensive look that you sometimes have on your beautiful face. You know the one. You know what it does to us...and so do we. I'll do this in bullet form, so it's easier to read:

1: Hiding in Plain Sight: Dude, I don't care if you like to boink tree stumps or Harry Potter himself, so don't be making this about jealousy or whatever. I know the odds are greater for me to win a Gold Medal in Olympic Womens Figure Skating than ever having an encounter of the carnal kind with you, so don't be thinking that's what is driving this rant. Because it's not.

What I want to tell you is this: Currently, my pet, you are a man with a bounty on his head. As such, you need to be aware. There are ways to stave off the vultures. There are ways to stem the rumors you don't wish to address. And you're doing it all wrong.

If addressing the situation directly is not feasable (personally, I am a fan of directness and honesty, as I abhor people who are disingenuous) then you have two options: You can be MORE DISCRETE or you can play with your hunters. But remember, the critter who plays chicken on the interstate eventually ends up as critter du jour at the local roadkill cafe. Discretion is the better form of valor, they say, and I could not agree more in your case. Stay away from enclaves of paparazzi and their natural hunting grounds. Avoid places where they are known to be living and breeding. When going out with friends, walk with someone else, for when you are walking with the rumored one (you know we do not speak that name on this blog) it becomes a feeding frenzy worthy of it's own week on The Discovery Channel

2: You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too: You want to be famous, yet you want to be private. Sorry, wrong answer. Part of the trappings of fame are the little nuisances known as THE PRESS. Because THE FANS, who are the ones who put you into the strata where you currently reside, want to know, THE PRESS will take whatever liberties they can to give it to them. Such is the high price of fame and fortune. If you wanted to remain a private citizen, without the invasions of privacy, the rumor, the speculation, the innuendo, the constant, chronic magnifying glass on your every move, then, my pouty lipped friend, you should have become an Accountant.

3: Overexposure, RPattz is Thy Name: Damn, but you are ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE! I LOVE you and I say this! It's getting so that I question even going to see New Moon! I feel like I was on set with you filming it, and have been living in your suitcase for the last 3 months! In fact, I think I was possibly the person who did the horriffic mending job on your precious Stoli shirt. You can't swing a Cullen without hitting something that bears your image or speaks your name. Scale it back a bit, hot stuff! Like Def Leppard once said, it's better to burn out than to fade away! I am going to harken back to point #1 here: discretion. That stinky toque you are so fond of and your Eyegor hoodie (Young Frankenstein reference) do not a disguise make. In fact, if anything, it draws attention and makes people wonder: OMG!! WHAT WAS RPATTZ DOING THAT HE'S TRYING TO HIDE!! ARE THOSE CIGARETTES?? IS THAT A BEER? OMGOMGOMG!!!. See? Scale it back some, my precious.

4: Play Nice: I've noted that when you are with certain people, you seem less nice than when you are alone. I don't know if this is just something I'm interpreting, or if this is something others have noticed as well. But, as I mentioned in point 2, the fans, for better or worse, are the ones who have elevated you to the level you are at. It doesn't cost you anything to smile, say "Hi" or "Thank You" and pose for a photo, which you do...when you are alone. Sad but true, people will remember the negative before they remember the positive. Say "Tom Cruise" to me and I immediately envision nutso jumping up and down on poor Oprah's sofa, screaming I LOVE HER!!!. See what I mean?

5: Character: Not Just For Playing in Movies: This goes back to point 1 again. If you are bumping uglies with a certain someone who looks like she was rode hard and put away wet, isn't it a disservice to each other to not admit it? To not want to be the one jumping on Oprah's sofa (I'll say this much: do that and I will burn everything with your name, image, performance on it as well as petitioning the State Department to revoke any and all visa's and access to this country that you have, sweetcheeks) But you get my point, right? At the end of the day, all we really have is our character. The kind of person you are. I'd hate to think that yours wasn't nearly as strong as your jaw line, lover.

So, there we have it. RobRant over. On to some air guitar and a little bit of RobLuv :D


newsjunkie said...

LOL he should totally hire you as his publicist/general life adviser.

Lisa said...

He'd never do that...because I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him LMFAO