Saturday, August 8, 2009


Ok, here's the thing: I can't NOT like Robert...I am sort of BOUND to him.

You see, as a frustrated and as yet, unpublished writer, I needed a muse. The book I was writing was stalled. I had writers block in the worst possible way.

And then came Robert Pattinson.

Like a cool breeze over the mountains.

He inspired me and suddenly, it was all clear. The work flowed from me.

Without him, I cannot finish my work. So, you see, I am dependent on him. I may actually claim him on my 1040A this year.

So, I need to work through my issues in order to get back to work.

Here's what I'm going to do...I'm going to hash out all of my issues with him and his...uh...crack whore...

Ok, here's my issue: From before ever hearing the term "Robsten", I have not liked Kristen. I just get a vibe off the girl that she feels she's better than everyone. I got the vibe that she thinks she's better than even Robert. In some interviews and videos, to me, she seems annoyed that Twilight turned out to be all about Rob and not about her. I don't know why I got this vibe, or if it's only me that gets it, but 9 times out of 10, when I get a vibe like this, I am right. Anyway, after seeing photos of her sparking up a doobie outside an apartment in LA, a hotel in Vancouver and rolling a joint in plain sight at a restaurant in Italy (with Robert sitting right there, I might add), I really did not like her. I abhor drug use of any kind (most people who've had drug addiction within their families feel this way) and to see someone flaunting it in this manner to me is reprehensible.

Moreover, she just reminds me of the kind of girl you all knew in high school...the one who would sleep with the popular boy even though she didn't really care for him, just because she knew everyone else wanted him and she was the one with him. Yeah, that's why I think she likes Robert.

I just don't like her. I don't like that I feel she'll lead Rob down the garden path, and I don't like the drug use with or without Robert.

Now, Robert...I have many issues with you, my muse.

I'll start with the lessers and work my way up:

First off...WASH THE DAMN HAIR ALREADY! We get are an Artiste! You aren't concerned with the same shallow, physical things the rest of Hollywood is concerned with. You are 'a guy'. We get it. Point taken. Now take a freakin' shower and wash the friggin' hair because I can smell you 3000 miles away!

And ditch that damn blue plaid shirt. You know the one...the one where you cut off the long sleeves to make them short sleeves. No one believes it was ever a short sleeve shirt, Rob. We all know you made it a short sleeve shirt yourself. How do we know? From the frayed edges and long threads dangling off of the poor snip job. While you are at it, please toss the following into my Weber Kettle BBQ: the mended Stoli shirt; the stained and mended blue/gray chino's with the sewn up knees that you've been doggin' since your Harry Potter days; both of your knit toques. They've got to stink from here to heaven and back again. Do your part for our environment and burn them both, please; those damn Nikes. You made kajillions for these last two movies. Spend some of it, and I don't mean going to Modell's to buy yet another cap to shove your greasy, odiferous locks under or yet another windbreaker like my 72 year old father wears. You don't have to go to Armani or Nordstrom. Just go to Old freakin' Navy and spend a couple bucks on a few pair of jeans so you don't have to dog the same pair day in and day out, staining the stains that are already there. Dude, do you stand those frigging jeans up in the corner of your room every night? I don't even want to think about the undies...I shudder at the thought...

Moving on...Robert...stop playing games. You are 23, not 13. Grow a damn ball and admit whether or not you are bumping uglies with her. I have little to no respect for people who are either in a relationship or are 'more than friends' and won't admit it for whatever reason. In Rob's case, I'd say his reasoning for not admitting would be because the fangirls would hate it. Since a large portion of his appeal is based on the fans, he'd really screw himself by admitting he's screwing her.

But still I don't like games, I don't like deception. And I hate the whole women-who-spend-the-night-with-a-guy-and-sneak-out-the-next-morning-in-the-night-before's-clothing. Robsten notwithstanding, women who do this tend to have an attitude of "I'm in control. I'm calling the shots. I'm independent and liberated"., you are not. You are just giving him exactly what he wanted and he's smugly eating a burger while you're seen leaving in exactly what you were seen entering in the night before while the staff snickers behind your back. (This also brings up the question of what kind of a man lets this sort of scenario play out? One with little to no respect for the woman he's boinking?) Plus, you can't sit there and say with a straight face that if they did spend the night together at his hotel, she was unaware it was going to happen. Even Rob wouldn't be that gullible. It stinks to me of ready made PR. You don't go to a hotbed of paparazzi activity if you don't want to be seen. You go somewhere discrete. There are plenty of places you can go. One of the two has a place right in LA. There are TONS of hotels that the pap's aren't camped out in front of like they always are at Chateau. So, if you are going to be in a highly visible celebrity fish bowl, stop trying to sneak out like you don't know you're being photographed and aren't proud of yourself and your indiscrete indiscretions. Stop trying to pretend you're annoyed you've been spotted, because, clearly, if you didn't want to be seen, you'd have gone somewhere where you knew you wouldn't be seen.

And, Robert, I'm going to apply this to you too: Stop being all annoyed at the pap's for taking your photo as you walk/attempt to drive/try to run. You are staying at a hotel with a permanent paparazzi encampment at it. You've been there enough. You've been photographed there enough. You know what goes on there. Stay at the Four Seasons next time. Stay at a Marriott. Stay at Kristen's or rent a damn apartment yourself. Just stop acting pissed and annoyed when you walk right into their nest. You aren't Moses. The Red Sea is not going to part for you and your stinkin' Yankee cap.

And...that brings me to the last portion of my little rant that I'm going to direct right at Robert: You are wearing a NY Yankee cap~constantly. You were in NYC for 2 months. Did you ever even SEE a game? Even on TV? Can you even name the Yankee shortstop? Hmm?? Can you??? you really think that NO ONE knows it's YOU under it?? It's been photographed in the last 2 months more than Derek freakin' Jeter has (do you even know who that is? I bet you don't....) Here...I'm gonna give you $250. Ask Pat Sajak if you can buy a clue.


Now...let's see if this works and my demons are exorcised....


Sherry Fisher said...

Hope that cleared your head! Demons begone!! :-D

I volunteer to take him to Old Navy...and to the shower for a shampoo (but not a the beard!!) I'll even wash his clothes, and toss out the mended ones while I'm at it!!

Hope you can take a breath...and that the chapters begin to simply flow onto the page!!

Lisa said...

I do feel better for getting it out.

does any of what I said even make sense? LOL

newsjunkie said...

It sure was entertaining to read! :D

Lisa said...

You knew I had to comment on the Yankee cap, didn't you? :D

He was still doggin' it on his way up to Vancouver this morning...

newsjunkie said...

Oh yes, you know I agree with you on the whole pseudo Yankees fan thing.

Lisa said...

Honestly, he's English. He's beautiful. He's probably not all that bright. He probably bought that cap because EVERYONE had one LOL

But yeah, I sincerely doubt he even watched a game on tv, let alone knows anything about the Yankees.

And since he tends to dog clothing for years at a time, expect to see him in that hat for a while (still wearing it in Vancouver now)

Sadly, we'll likely see it mended at some point in the future, right, Sher? ;)